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Superior Music           How to sing the BLUES 
                                                                 
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How to Sing the Blues, by Lame Mango Washington (attributes to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, with revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something
 nasty in the next line: " I got a good woman- with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple.  After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something
 that rhymesÖsort of: " Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth
 like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch. You stuck in a ditch ain't no
 way out.
5. Blues Cars: Chevy's and Cadillac's and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in
Volvos, BMW's, or SUV's.  Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas
City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place
that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing ain't the Blues. Breaking your
 leg cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
    1. Highway
    2. Jailhouse
    3. Empty bed
    4. Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:

    1. Malls
    2. Gallery openings
    3. Ivy league institutions
    4. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an
old black man, and you slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues: Yes, if:
    1. You older than dirt
    2. You blind
    3. You shot a man in Memphis
    4. You can't be satisfied
      Do you have the right to sing the Blues: No, if:
    1. You have all your teeth
    2. You were once blind but now you can see
    3. You have a retirement plan or trust fund
    4. You won the lottery
    5. The man in Memphis lived
14. Blues is not a matter of color. Itís a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot
sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also get the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable drinks are:
    1. Cheap Wine           
    2. Whiskey or bourbon
    3. Muddy water
    4. Nasty Black coffee
16. The following are not Blues beverages:
    1. Mixed drinks
    2. Kosher wine
    3. Snapple
    4. Sparking water
    5. Diet Coke
17. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, itís a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot.
You canít have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
18. Some Blues names for women:
    1. Sadie
    2. Big Mama
    3. Bessie
    4. Fat River Dumping
    5. Caledonia
19. Some Blues names for men:
    1. Joe
    2. Willie
    3. Little Willie
    4. Big Willie
    5. Leroy
20. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
21. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    1. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    2. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    3. Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

           For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

22. I don't care how tragic your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun.
Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care
23. Hey there, you can READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the
Blues ain't never had much a chance for education. In the BluesÖ the three R's stand
for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.