|Tips from the Band:
How To Request A Song From The Band
When requesting a song from the band, just say "play .... my song!"
We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the
favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs
ever recorded so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say
we really don't remember that tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands
do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need
be... it helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over and over
again. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear,
they either forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on.
Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps
to scream your request from across the room several times per set
followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand
gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as
well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up Put-downs are the
best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the
status of "Personal Friend Of The Band." You can bet your request will
be the next song we play.
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare
for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what
they will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or
rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then
fake it. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so
don't let them off the hook easily.
"YOUR REQUEST IS ALL THAT MATTERS"
Once you've figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make
your requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the
better. If its a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer
or Pantera. Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to
request Brown-eyed Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to
constantly broaden their musical horizons, and its your job to see that
''TALKING WITH THE BAND''
The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is
at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same
time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice
from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we can
converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't
worry that we're in the middle of the chorus. Musicians are expert lip
readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment
during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in
order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be
sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely.
Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and
sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions
immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's
because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately
cop an attitude. We love this.
When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head
in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation
to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your
hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the
back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by
their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from
behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not
impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the
break between songs.
''HELPING THE BAND''
If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate
your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain
standing on stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean
on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you
see. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up
on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you
sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the
stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in
mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth
and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played on one and three and
out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always
needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't
really amplify your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singers
hand be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no
one will hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow.
The crowd and the sound guy will love you for it.
As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on
stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you
are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you have
successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately
the following day to offer you a position.