THE FIRST BAND
And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.
"Noah, awaken and heed my words!"
And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, didst cry out,
"Who goeth there?"
And the Lord didst smite him upside the head, saying,
"It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"
And Noah didst tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"
And the Lord didst say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band. For the
earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty
days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets."
And Noah didst say, "Command me, Lord."
And the Lord didst say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."
And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"
And the Lord didst smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will
be my Contractor. Ask not why!"
And Noah didst bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what
will this Leader play?"
And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not,
or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to
talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients,
and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether
Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be
If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of
instrument on the band, just to be safe."
And Noah didst say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"
And the Lord replied, Curves therefore. It shall be his job to spread
Bad information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit
them one against the other, and to delay all payments."
"Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a
Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization
And Noah didst shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord,
thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"
And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First,
find me a Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer
And Noah didst ask, "What are these Three Things? Double
Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?"
And the Lord didst smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my
And Noah didst beg, "Forgiveth me Lord, for I know not what I say."
And the Lord didst forgiveth Noah, and continueth "First, this
Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever
he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a
different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou
may not guess which."
"And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping
for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick
Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing."
"And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all
things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth
always with the Bass Player."
And Noah didst say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"
And the Lord didst say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be
the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."
And Noah didst say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"
And the Lord didst say next, "Next shall be the Piano Player.
And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall
play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord,
and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always be
Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which
he has no knowledge."
And Noah didst wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"
And the Lord didst wisely continue, "Next shall be the Guitar
Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be
Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. Also shall
he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which
have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels.
For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows,
and will be making the Big Shekels."
"And his tux shall be the Rattiest."
And Noah didst say, "It shall be done."
And the Lord didst say, "Next thou shall need Horns."
"First shall be the Saxophones. And they shall be Beboppers.
And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea,
even the Celine Dion ballad medley. And they shall Get
High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long,
but especially when 'In The Mood' is called."
"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to
everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they
"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be
about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he
will be the first to be Cut from the Band."
And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, "Mighty is the Lord!"
"Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach
Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself,
so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain."
"And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts
all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about
and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."
And Noah didst say, "What else can be left, Lord?"
And the Lord didst say, "Finally, find me the Singers."
"And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females."
"And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'N Roll
and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play
"And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And
Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco.
"And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the
Songs. But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup
the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys
And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a
piece of Equipment."
"And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask
And Noah didst say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."
And the Lord didst command him, "Search high and low for these,
as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though
we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And
while you're at it, start looking for Subs.
And Noah didst say "Lord, thy will be done.
And it was.